I had a very interesting interview with a junior in high school who has struggled with an eating disorder. The parts bolded include information that I think are extremely interesting and shocking.
1) Has a dance teacher ever personally came up to you and shared their concerns about your weight?
1) Yes, I remember when I was in 6th grade at a jazz class and I saw all of the older dancers getting ready for a competition. I was watching at the door when my teacher Ms. Leslie* came up to me and told me I could get there too. I got excited and asked how and she told me with plenty of exercise and better eating habits. I idolized the prima ballerina's of the Kansas City Ballet and I would do anything it took to be one of them. If Ms. Leslie* said exercise was the way to go than that's what I had to do.
2) Has a dance teacher ever personally came up to one of your friends about their concerns about their weight?
2) Yes, in our ballet class girls consistently get told to suck in their stomachs when we’re at the barre which apparently makes us look skinnier from a side view. When we get measured for costumes if we've gained an inch or two they will remind us that we must exercise and fit into our costumes by certain date. One of my friends Brooke* was pulled aside because she was eating food in the lobby before class and our teachers thought it was distracting to the dancers in class, which made sense to none of us.
3) Has one of your dance teachers ever made a comment to the whole class about weight?
3) A typical conditioning class for our team starts with 30 minutes of stretching followed by 30 minutes of cardio, a 2 mile run, followed by ab workouts. We are only allowed to wear tight fitting clothing such as tight workout tanks, cami's or sports bra's. I can easily remember running around my studio for what seemed like the hundredth time in 90 degree weather. All of us were tired and hot so we stopped for a break. Our teacher caught up with us and she asked why we stopped. She told us "Girls, if you want the perfect shape you have to work for it and stopping will get you no where." When we do ab workouts our teacher will sometimes by and put her pen by our knees when we do crunches and we have to try to reach it when we sit up. If you can't reach it she sometimes laughs or acts annoyed. It's embarrassing and really takes away any motivation you have to keep going. Sometimes you just want to give up.
I remember one time we were in class watching a video of professionals. We were all in awe at how tiny they were and Ms. Sara* told us we needed to look like that someday and she was going to help us get there, I looked in the mirror and saw someone 3 times the size of the dancer on the screen, I wanted to be her. One of our costumes this year is a sparkly bra top with a flowy short rhinestoned skirt. Every time we wear them I hate looking at myself in the mirror because not only am I judging myself but I feel as if to my coaches and friends its not good enough so that only makes my want to be skinny even worse. In 8th grade I started making my self throw-up everything I ate or not eating at all. It started in the beginning of September and continued through the end of November before I entered treatment in early December at Renewal* treatment center. I became obsessive over fats, carbs, and calorie intake. I often found myself eating in front of others just to later sit alone in my room either exercising it off or throwing it up. I remember nights at ballet I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I was afraid of what my teacher would think so I just waited until I got home to exercise like she said.
Exercising became an addiction to me. I remember my teacher Ms Elaine telling us if we allowed ourselves sweets that it was okay as long as we punished ourselves later with exercise. Due to not keeping anything down, I was losing nutrients at the same time I was over exposing my body to workouts. I remember laying on my bathroom floor after doing a set of crunches. I went to the sink to get water and after I took a drink I felt as if the water was too much in my stomach. I looked in the mirror and didn’t know what I was looking at. My hair was stringy, I had purple lines under my eyes and I had no color in my face yet I still saw someone overweight. I began to feel dizzy and I couldn’t stop shaking. My mom noticed and drove me to Children’s Mercy. I spent the night in the Psychiatric Department and the next morning I was driven back to Renewal* treatment. During treatment all I could think about was the classes I was missing, the exercise I was missing, and most importantly what my teachers would say.
Theres something you notice about the way teachers place dancers in a company. The skinniest seem to always be in front center. During treatment I kept wondering would they be disappointed or ashamed? The dance instructors at my dance school would no longer let me dance, only because they thought they would be responsible if I hurt myself. The people who at first had complimented me now turned away, not wanting to look at my figure. No one wanted to talk about what was going on. It all around me was seriousness and silence, especially from my teachers. Miss Sara* came to visit me once and after telling me to get better, she said "in the end this will just get you where you want right?" She was wrong. Months later I was allowed to go back to class, but I wasn't allowed to begin conditioning again. When it came time for dancing again, for the first time in 5 years I was placed front row center. But surprisingly I didn't feel accomplished with my coveted spot in the front row. I had earned it for all the wrong reasons and I felt as if I never deserved it. I still to this day can easily find imperfections and many times my teachers can make me find the worst in myself. Since my battle with an eating disorder I still have trouble many times finding time to fit a meal in or "forgetting" to eat. I just have to learn to get past everything that happened and dance for myself. To be that tiny prima ballerina was my teachers dream for me, I now know that dancing is about what you feel on inside not what you look like on the outside.
I remember one time we were in class watching a video of professionals. We were all in awe at how tiny they were and Ms. Sara* told us we needed to look like that someday and she was going to help us get there, I looked in the mirror and saw someone 3 times the size of the dancer on the screen, I wanted to be her. One of our costumes this year is a sparkly bra top with a flowy short rhinestoned skirt. Every time we wear them I hate looking at myself in the mirror because not only am I judging myself but I feel as if to my coaches and friends its not good enough so that only makes my want to be skinny even worse. In 8th grade I started making my self throw-up everything I ate or not eating at all. It started in the beginning of September and continued through the end of November before I entered treatment in early December at Renewal* treatment center. I became obsessive over fats, carbs, and calorie intake. I often found myself eating in front of others just to later sit alone in my room either exercising it off or throwing it up. I remember nights at ballet I couldn’t look at myself in the mirror because I was afraid of what my teacher would think so I just waited until I got home to exercise like she said.
Exercising became an addiction to me. I remember my teacher Ms Elaine telling us if we allowed ourselves sweets that it was okay as long as we punished ourselves later with exercise. Due to not keeping anything down, I was losing nutrients at the same time I was over exposing my body to workouts. I remember laying on my bathroom floor after doing a set of crunches. I went to the sink to get water and after I took a drink I felt as if the water was too much in my stomach. I looked in the mirror and didn’t know what I was looking at. My hair was stringy, I had purple lines under my eyes and I had no color in my face yet I still saw someone overweight. I began to feel dizzy and I couldn’t stop shaking. My mom noticed and drove me to Children’s Mercy. I spent the night in the Psychiatric Department and the next morning I was driven back to Renewal* treatment. During treatment all I could think about was the classes I was missing, the exercise I was missing, and most importantly what my teachers would say.
Theres something you notice about the way teachers place dancers in a company. The skinniest seem to always be in front center. During treatment I kept wondering would they be disappointed or ashamed? The dance instructors at my dance school would no longer let me dance, only because they thought they would be responsible if I hurt myself. The people who at first had complimented me now turned away, not wanting to look at my figure. No one wanted to talk about what was going on. It all around me was seriousness and silence, especially from my teachers. Miss Sara* came to visit me once and after telling me to get better, she said "in the end this will just get you where you want right?" She was wrong. Months later I was allowed to go back to class, but I wasn't allowed to begin conditioning again. When it came time for dancing again, for the first time in 5 years I was placed front row center. But surprisingly I didn't feel accomplished with my coveted spot in the front row. I had earned it for all the wrong reasons and I felt as if I never deserved it. I still to this day can easily find imperfections and many times my teachers can make me find the worst in myself. Since my battle with an eating disorder I still have trouble many times finding time to fit a meal in or "forgetting" to eat. I just have to learn to get past everything that happened and dance for myself. To be that tiny prima ballerina was my teachers dream for me, I now know that dancing is about what you feel on inside not what you look like on the outside.
*names changed for privacy
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